Have-Do-Be vs. Be-Do-Have

Posted by on Nov 13, 2011 in Dating, Love, Marriage, Relationships | Comments Off

Imagine you are at home cooking dinner and anticipating a wonderful evening ahead with your lover. He / she comes home with a frown on his / her face, and without a word walks to the fridge, rolls his / her eyes and bursts out: Where’s my beer / yogurt?! I specifically asked you to buy some! You never do what I ask! Why are we together, anyway?!

How you respond is going to be based on which operating mode you are in.


– Excuse me!? I’m not your slave!
– You said you’d buy it and it is not here!
– Can’t you see that I’ve been busy and have been cooking for the last hour so we can have a decent dinner together? Now it’s ruined! If you want to eat something, finish it yourself. I’m not going to listen to your childish behaviour!
– You’re the child. You can’t even remember to buy a pack of beer / yogurt? Do I need to hold your hand for everything?
– I hate you! By the way, your beer / yogurt’s in the bag! I hope you choke on it!


– You must have had a tough day!?
– Well, yeah! And now I don’t even have my beer / yogurt! I can’t even count on you!
– So you’d like to know that you can count on people and they do what was agreed.
– Yes. It would be good to know that if we agree on something, than I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
– So you really want to know that action follow the agreements and you can forget about them.
– Yes, but how can I trust you after this?
– So you’d like to trust that you can really count on your partner?
– Yes.
– Well, I don’t have beer / yogurt, but I do have a candlelight dinner. It is you favourite. Would that work for you?
– Oh! I guess so. I’m sorry, I had a rough day!
– No worries. You know I love you.

What’s the difference between the two scenarios?

In the first scenario both people operated from the have-do-be mode which makes them want to possess something i.e. beer / yogurt / loving spouse. When and only when that possession happens, can they do something (drink, eat / have a candlelight dinner) so they can be in a certain way (relaxed / feel loved). Anything that brakes this chain results in the loss of the possibility of the desired state of being that they are after and most likely they are going to be angry and speak in a way that literally makes sure that they will not be able to achieve and enjoy that state of being.

In the second scenario the person cooking operated in the be-do-have mode where he / she was already in a state where he / she felt and thought what he / she wanted to feel and think (love his / her partner). From that more resourceful state he / she acted in a way (being compassionate and practising empathy) that created the desired result without effort (candlelight dinner with a partner).

Obviously the be-do-have operating mode is much more effective, but how do we achieve such state?


The practise of Tantra creates triggers that move you into the be-do-have mode. Tantra is pure experience, filled with unconditional loving presence, gentle touch and joy, which are the foundations of a healthy relationship. When you gaze into the eyes of another human being, a new world opens up, time slows down, and you feel your partner. You allow yourself to be guided by your heart. A respectful gentle touch melts away the walls of protection, and people become their true self – brave, loving, feminine or masculine beings who see through the pain of their partner and touch his / her heart.

On our Tantra events you practise the grounded presence and loving-kindness that builds the healthy triggers in a safe environment. So later when you are at home you can on your own trigger yourself into the desired state and be loving with your partner regardless of the external circumstances.

Come to our Love Your Soul Mate events for couples and Meet Your Soul Mate dating events for singles to learn operating in the be-do-have mode and build the healthy triggers that will transform your life.